Don’t stay silent

I’m a 42 yr old woman who was physically, emotionally and mentally abused by my father my entire childhood and into my teenage years.

My mother was emotionally and mentally abusive my entire life until the present. I remember always feeling as if I needed to ” walk on eggshells” every second around my father and still to this day I do the same around him. The abuse started very young, around 6 or 7 and occurred daily. I knew that hell would begin within minutes of hearing my father’s work truck pull into the stone driveway every day. I would try to hide but he’d always find me or my mom would lead him to me. I truly believed that

I deserved every bit of the abuse mostly because my sister never got abused. For years I resented her for that and sometimes I even blamed her. As with most abuse survivors, this is very hard to speak out about. To relive the terror. Regardless, I need to share this. Not only for myself but for others who feel it’s “too late” and/or too painful. Here comes the hardest part…. My father would strike out of nowhere, for no reason whatsoever. He had bad anger issues and also had a very abusive childhood (sexual, physical, emotional, and mental). He would start by dragging me out of wherever I was hiding and proceed to kick, punch, slap, shake, throw and even choke me until I was near death. He has held a knife to my throat numerous times all while screaming terrible insults at me.

The worst beating I ever got was when I was 13 and he found out that I was going to meet a boy at the roller rink. My sister was listening on the phone call I had with the boy making the plans to meet and told my dad. During that beating I saw the devil on my father’s face the whole time and that is why this beating had the biggest impact on me and still does. He tried killing me by shoving a troll doll into my mouth while screaming at me about what a “worthless slut” I am. That I will get “knocked up by the time I was 14”. That I probably “already got pregnant and had an abortion!” He threw me around that day like a ragdoll, smashed my mirror on my face, spit on me, kicked me, rammed my head threw my door and so much more! After a while I stopped crying as if I ran out of tears to cry no more. I don’t know just how long that incident lasted but when it was over I couldn’t walk or even sit up.

My mother was there but did NOTHING! My sister was laughing! After each session of abuse my father would get me a gift and tell me how “sorry” he was while crying! I don’t know if all survivors feel this way but for me, the mental and emotional abuse, as well as the look on his face was the most terrifying part. For years I blocked out a lot of my childhood but I never forgot that my life then was pure hell! I hope my story helps even one person realize they are not alone and there is help out there and most importantly, IT IS SO EMPOWERING to “let it out!” I have been in therapy for years and thank god everyday for it! I “broke the cycle of abuse” and raised my sons in a better way than I was raised. 

What advice would you give to encourage others? 

You deserve to be happy! Don’t stay silent! 

• Anonymous, Survivor