I just wanted a hug

Nov 9, 2020 | survivor-stories

This isn’t my past story, this is my current story. I am living in this right now. Well, hi, I’m 14 years old. I have realized, relatively recently, that I have lived under an abusive parent my entire life. Besides my boyfriend, I never share this with anyone, I feel like they would just think I’m a moody teenager complaining about parents, which I am not, but I know they won’t believe me. So, a bit of backstory. I have ADHD. That tends to make it harder for me to focus for longer periods of time, or control impulsive behaviors. My thoughts are rapid-fire and random, my mind often jumps onto the next task before I finish the current one, making my work appear absent minded at times. As a child, I was one of the smartest in my class, but my work didn’t always reflect that. My mom proceeded to call me sloppy or lazy. I hated this so much, I felt like I was nothing (currently talking only about elementary school, and events that happened in 1st – 5th grade). I spent so long just working my ass of trying to prove that I wasn’t sloppy or lazy, but no matter what I did that was all she ever saw me as, and it made me feel horrible. Now onto some more specific stories. So, when I was around 9, I was OBSESSED with this book series about dragons. Well, in 4th grade, my mom decided that my writing sucked, and rather than getting a tutor, she spent every night for months taking it into her own hands to teach me how to write well, (and degrade me in the process), which I hated and dreaded. Well, for class, we had an assignment where we had to write a book review. Heads up, this was a time when I didn’t have access to technology often, so there is no way I could have cheated. So, with my ADHD, it is hard for me to focus on most things, unless they are very interesting to me, like those books. I decided to write the book review on my favorite book of the series. I was so passionate, and I had fun writing it. I went to show my mom, because she insisted on reviewing and criticizing my work before I turned it in. I was proud, and I really thought I had done a good job. My mom read my work, and told me that I couldn’t have possibly wrote it. She said that it was too good to be something I had written, and claimed I had plagiarized it after she searched up reviews of that book that had similar points to those I had made. I was crying by this point, so she made me write another one, which I purposely made bad, thinking it would finally meet her expectations of me. She still criticized that one a lot. Also, after messing something up, my mom would just call me lazy or useless. There have been times where she spent over an hour just screaming at me about how I was lazy and needed to change my ways. I have always been terrified of people seeing me cry, I thought I would be seen as weak. Even when I shared with my parents that I had a severe panic attack in school they didn’t care and shrugged it off. I had just wanted a hug or something, anything. I had never had a panic attack and it was honestly scary. Also, around a month ago, I was doing homework, and my mom asked me to do something for dinner. I said that I would, after I finished a couple math problems (I had like 3 left). She said she needed it done immediately, and I said ok, right after these couple problems. She proceeded to go do it herself, then came to yell at me and tell me that I was horribly selfish and “worse than ___” (insert name of most selfish person you can think of, I won’t for political reasons). It made me feel horrible. There are many other instances like that. Then she tries to go and say how she has always been here for me, driving me places and stuff like that, and I just want to say that she hasn’t been here for me emotionally, which is what mattered more to me in some ways. In an argument once I brought up how she was the reason for my severe confidence issues, her constant degrading of my life, and she only responded by blaming it on me. Thanks for reading<3

 What advice would you offer to encourage others?

 It is never your fault. If someone EVER hurts you, don’t blame it on yourself. I am still trying to learn how to do this after years of abuse. You may think it’s your fault, that you must have done something wrong and that’s why they won’t like you, but it’s not. You are always good enough, you are always worth it. Love yourself!

  • Nellie, Survivor

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